(Hope Edelman, "Motherless Daughters, The Legacy of Loss," 1994, 2014)
With disenfranchised grief through not having a "good enough", absent, or abusive mother, we may have deeply painful feelings that others don't understand .
(Maxine Harris, "The Loss That Is Forever, The Lifelong Impact of the Early Death of a Mother or Father," 1995)
What are Common Experiences of Motherless Daughters?
Many women who have lost their mothers also report that a part of themselves feels the age they were when their mothers died, or a part of them seems developmentally "stuck." . Many find that they have unconsciously carried an inaccurate belief of not surviving beyond the age of their mothers when she died, or they may live in a state of fear about the worst that could happen. Living past the age at which one's mother died has been reported by women to seem like moving into "uncharted territory" .
Motherless Daughters also disclose their appreciation of life and its momentary treasures, unlike others their age who may not have experienced a major loss or on-going trauma.
- Shock and Disbelief (feeling in a "fog"; on "automatic"; numb)
- Anger (at the loss; the illness and the toll it took on mother and daughter; "Why don't I have a 'normal' life?!" "Why me?!" "Why did this happen to my mother?!" "Why didn't she take better care of herself!"
- Depression (sadness, crying, difficulty getting out of bed, loss of enjoyment in usually pleasurable activities, changes in eating or sleeping);
- Denial ("I'm OK"..."I'll avoid thinking about mom and what happened".."I won't connect with the pain I feel"..."I'll just stay busy";
- Bargaining ("What could I have done differently that could have resulted in my mother still living or providing adequate mothering?"..."If only I had....");
- Acceptance in facing the realities and understanding the consequences of mother loss, integrating it into one's life, taking care of oneself, finding post-loss and post-trauma growth.
Another conception of grief and four basic tasks of grieving are articulated by William Worden (2009) which I've adapted from his book, "Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy." These are as follows:
- To accept the reality of the loss
- To process the pain of grief (anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, etc.)
- To adjust to the world without the deceased or living mother
- To find an enduring connection with the deceased or estranged mother in the midst of embarking upon a new life.
Some situations, person, place, time, or activity can trigger painful feelings from the past regarding the loss of a woman's mother, mother substitute, father, on-going loss and trauma. Indications of healing are that painful feelings become less frequent and less intense and when deep feelings do emerge, one learns how to navigate through them. In my understanding, the process of healing and recovery involves facing the reality of one's loss, accepting and observing emerging feelings and associations that come and go, awareness of current and past situations, and learning how to navigate through deep feelings and responses. The hardest times do pass.
Our major challenges can be transformative, opening a way for finding new meaning in life. Motherless daughters often find they gain a deepened appreciation for the basic experiences of life, death, and growth...Often, I've been told, the part of themselves that feels empty, begins to fill with warmth.
How Did I Get Started In This Field?
The term "motherless daughters" and the common consequences of mother loss detailed in "Motherless Daughters" helped me put together missing pieces of my and other women's common and unique responses to loss and trauma. Subsequent to publication, Hope led an organization in New York City to help hundreds of women understand and navigate through their experiences. In coordination with Hope's NYC organization, I began facilitating time-limited, structured support groups from lists of women who wanted to participate in them, locally. From these groups I developed and facilitated on-going, supportive/exploratory Groups for Motherless Daughters in Mill Valley, San Anselmo, Kentfield, CA, in Marin County and now on secure Zoom..
I am also the founder of MOTHERLESS DAUGHTERS OF MARIN.
I am grateful to Hope Edelman for her major contributions in this field and honored that she acknowledged me in her books, "Motherless Mothers, How Losing A Mother Shapes the Parent You Become," (2007) and "Motherless Daughters, The legacy of Loss" (2014) , the expanded 20th anniversary edition.
I've written a few articles for motherless daughters, one of which is "When Mom Dies, More Than a Piece of Us Dies, Too" published in the Marin Independent Journal, Mother's Day, 1997. You can find it on my website devoted solely to Motherless Daughters.
I was grateful to attend and be part of a panel with motherless daughter Cheryl Strayed, author of "Wild" and others at the first Motherless Daughters Conference in Marina Del Rey, California, 2014, celebrating the 25th anniversary edition of "Motherless Daughters, hosted by Hope Edelman, and Irene Rubaum-Keller.
Facilitating the Motherless Daughters Groups is a deeply enriching, collaborative experience. I appreciate the wisdom, compassion, resilience, vulnerabilities, and strengths I observe in motherless daughters and I learn so much from them!
- Coping with trauma, loss, and stress, including Covid-19
- Ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief
- Mother loss in childhood, adolescence or adulthood -- what is the impact?
- Relationships and roles, current and past
- Family of origin issues
- Motherless mothers
- Healthy and effective skills such as boundaries, communication, personal rights
- Acknowledging individual challenges, successes, personal goals
- Changes in self-identity -- Who am I now? Experiencing stages of life
- Longing for a mother's support especially in times of crisis -- where do I get the support?
- PTSD symptoms, activation, tools for grounding and being present
- What have motherless daughters found helpful for recovery?
- Self-esteem and confidence
I request an individual 60-minuter consultation for those I haven't worked with so I can learn of your history, needs, and goals, and you can gain a sense of my style. I also consider what individuals have in common with others and how each can work in group
Call 415-785-3513 or email: [email protected] if interested or with questions.