Women who have lost their mothers through death, illness, separation or abandonment in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood often come into therapy describing a sense that an essential part of oneself is missing, or they feel an emptiness inside. In early mother loss, a woman may feel that she's missed the tools to know how to function in the world, or to know what being a woman is all about. A woman who loses her mother in adulthood can feel devastated in losing her "best friend". As with other losses and traumas, motherless daughters may have difficulty with intimacy and trust, longing for an idealized relationship with someone who is nurturing and always available, finding herself disappointed when these expectations aren't met. Motherless daughters might strive to become "super-achievers" with an "I can do it all myself!" motto, even with the discomfort and limitations this brings. Or, motherless daughters may comply with others, putting their needs last, distrust their own senses while having a great sensitivity for rejection. Many women who have lost their mothers report that a part of themselves feels the age they were when their mothers died. Many find that they have subconsciously carried an inaccurate belief of not surviving beyond the age of their mothers when she died. Living past this age may be terrifying, and seems like moving into "uncharted territory" , Often women who have lost their mothers are wary of close relationships with other women. The process of loss and grief may include the following: 1)shock and disbelief; 2)anger; 3)depression; 4)denial; 5) bargaining ("What could I have done differently that could have resulted in my mother still living or providing adequate mothering?) and 6)acceptance in understanding the consequences of mother loss and integrating it into one's life. These feelings may come like waves, and do not follow a predictable pattern or progression. Certain events in one's life trigger feelings and thoughts regarding the loss of a woman's mother or mother substitute. At one's own pace, one can become aware of and understand many feelings and thoughts related to the trauma of mother loss, and gain relief from them. As with all life-transforming events, individual strengths can emerge from pain and obstacles. Motherless daughters often find they gain a deepened appreciation for and sensitivity toward themselves, others, and the basic experiences of life and death.
For women who have lost their mothers through death, illness, abandonment, or separation in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood, I offer individual sessions and an on-going psychodynamic,educational, exploratory support group. Women sometimes choose to attend group and individual sessions, one type of treatment or another, or both, based on individual need. My first consideration is to provide a safe environment with attention to your individual needs, concerns, and goals so that you may have "corrective emotional experiences" or better outcomes than in the past, resolve psychological conflict, heal from loss and trauma, appreciate your strengths and successes and move forward in your lives.
Motherless Daughters Support Group Meets Every Other Week, From 6:30 - 8:00 PM or 3:30 - 5:00 PM in my Bend, Oregon office. I have moved to Bend after facilitating the Motherless Daughters Support Group for 14 years in Mill Valley, 10 miles north of San Francisco, where I lived for about 30 years. Facilitating the Motherless Daughters Group is a deeply valued and important collaborative experience. In Mill Valley, I have found an experienced facilitator to continue to work with the strong, healthy and supportive group of motherless daughters that has developed, and I am continuing this work in Bend. An individual consultation is requested prior to participation. This successful, safe and respectful group is way to know you are not alone in your struggles and accomplishments. It is also an opportunity to be with others who understand your loss, have similiar experiences, and have not only survived but in unique ways thrived through difficult and painful circumstances. Discussing your experience in group can be a powerful way to facilitate understanding and healing, gain self-validation, make connections between past and current patterns and experiences, identify ways to make beneficial changes, and integrate your mother loss. Issues women bring up include the following: current as well as past relationships; common inaccurate, self-limiting beliefs and their disconfirmation; step-mothers; being a mother, oneself; fathers; siblings and/or childhood roles; unresolved longings; self-identity; successes; loss and grief; other losses; trauma and post traumatic stress; overcoming guilt; expressing one's needs; self-regulating, self-nurturing, and progressing with individual goals.
